• To ‘hold space’ = To sit and stare at someone with emotional issues for an uncomfortable amount of time
  • I’m processing a lot of downloads from the Universe = I need to receive validation for speaking gibberish.
  • I’m an empath = I am depressed and unstable and take zero responsibility for my own self-destructive tendencies
  • You have an amazing aura = I would like to bang you
  • I am a Reiki Master = I crave human contact, and this makes me feel less insecure than Tinder.
  • I’m not looking for a relationship / only deep soul connections = I have commitment issues, so I collect partners with compatible insecurities. I understand you will head off to Thailand soon anyways
  • I am writing a travel blog = I don’t want to go home, I no longer fit in: I never have. I don’t know where I will end up, but I’d like to get paid to figure it out
  • I am kind = I love dogs, cats, and think all locals are “wonderful” and “amazing”
  • Being “blissful” and “ecstatic” = I am spending my savings on a few months of hedonistic binge in a non-confrontational, childlike third world country where I can feel like a big fish in a small pond [insert stock photo of swing / pool / waterfall / rice field / avocado toast / smoothie bowl]
  • I am a lifestyle designer = See the above
  • A guru / shaman = Someone who has found a niche market. Carries a flute and has a name you can’t pronounce (though his driver’s license says Steve) and chants words he doesn’t understand. But interesting tattoos…right?
  • In the flow = I never commit to anything, especially plans to do anything with anyone, so that I can completely flake out and not take any responsibility for it
  • I’m in transition = I’m unemployed and totally lost, so I have created an identity out of being an opportunist. Maybe you have some trim work for me, or food? Or a trade? I do crystal readings!
  • Breathwork = Watered-down, boho rebranding of the thousand years-old Indian Pranayama
  • ‘Inner Goddess Within’ workshops = Understanding of daddy issues and helping participants to surrender to the bias that all men are shit. The level 2 masterclass will teach you how to galactivate your man’s scrotum chakra enough to make him forget that you pay for bullshit workshops with his money.
  • “Authentic relating”, “somatic healing”, “conscious embodiment”, etc, etc = I am craving for basic human contact that I could’t find in my hometown, so I fly 10,000 km to pay for it
  • Worshiping the Beloved = Classic scenario where a cluster B personality type convinces you at a festival that you are their twin flame, lost for centuries in the ether
  • Conscious Event = Comfy, cozy meetup based upon made-up rituals such as “women circles”, “ecstatic dance” or “cacao ceremony”. No precise purpose outside of emotional comforting and socializing. Conscious events are peddled by travelling “shamans” (also called “life coaches”) who use it to finance their boho lifestyle between various holiday resorts, feeding upon anomie-afflicted individuals. Recently divorced women are especially at risk
  • Women’s circles = The 2020s version of Tupperware parties. A fashionable way to channel the same old pent up female emotions, wrapped into a whole new glossary of “self-love” gibberish, going round and round in circles.
  • Co-creating a retreat = my borderline personality friends and I have exhausted all other means of making a honest income, and have decided instead to use our social media clout (aka naked buttcheeks) to radically overcharge a group of saps for 2-14 days of mediocre vegan food, awkward group encounters, and real-world-style sexual politics
  • Substance-free event = NO alcohol, but powder drugs are fine. Tobacco’s cool if you snort it and call it “ceremony” or roll your own.
(The SPIRITUAL DISNEYLAND has over the past 10 years opened new branches in Koh Phangan, Ibiza, Tenerife, Tulum, Costa Rica and is soon coming to a fantasy refuge destination near you!)
Originally posted on Deep Bali